Just thought to list some benefits i'm afraid soon will be gone..
Again the thought of leaving them seem quite real to me ...
However i still hesistant for the lost i might suffer ...
For i know what are they meant to me ...

Children, i love them because they enjoy my being not my doing
Children, i love them because they value what i do and not what i say
Children, i love them because they make fun of what i say and not what i am

I know i will lose all my creative thoughts
i will lose moments being candid and ability to laugh at myself
i will lose my persistance on what's right and pure
i will lose parts of me
i will lose those precious moments
i will lose those beautiful memories

i'm still thinking ...

Was feeling tired and weary.
Glad to find the same prayer source my strength again
Prayer that dear to me
And beautiful to the weary man

"Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort,
but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge."

Once again i take up the stress and challenge.
It's not easy. It's difficult. Never mind, take up the challenge.


"Build me a son, O Lord,
who will be strong enough to know when he is weak,
and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid;"

Indeed there's fear within for failure,
and mockery and ridicule and losing face, fame, reputation ...
Never mind, be brave even when afraid ...
be strong even when ye are weak within ...

"one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat,
and humble and gentle in victory. "

And ye can be proud in honest defeat ....
It's not shameful to lose
It's not unforgiveable
It's not final
As long as ye have done the best ... be proud even in defeat
And more importantly ... humble and gentle in victory ...
Help me dear Lord
Here let him learn to stand up in the storm;
here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

"Here let him learn to stand up in the storm;
here let him learn compassion for those who fail."

At the end, is a man of God....neither afraid nor fear of defeat,
yet humble and compassionate even in victory
who can be praised more...one that's humble in victory
and strong man yet compassionate for he knows how frail the man soul within.

Onwards go!

Thank God for the peaceful nite.
I've long for such time to enjoy.
Have a good time with my grandma.
Eat the yummy indonesian food...
Swim at my pleasure after long day work.
And had my housemate to accompany
A nice shower.
The fragrant shampoo...
How i love the peaceful nite.
Just enjoying the time and activities..
Unhurried...unrushed...
Pondering, who am i truly inside...

It's wat often called as "bete" in indonesian language
Hmm...this morning i woke up bit later than usual...and some thoughts came to my mind...

One main reason for me to be bete is when things don't happen according to my will or plan. The will to have a "perfect" life when all things under control in balance and right proportion....Having enough rest, productive work, and fun, etc...

As i woke this morning, the words from Isaiah 40:31 came to my mind. How foolish i am to think good rest -> good energy -> able to work effectively -> have time of my own. Here what came to my mind:

"but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;"

The answer is to wait for the LORD. For indeed, strength comes from God. He's able to supply strength to the tired and weary. It's there that once again i experience God. To come before Him, ask Him for strength, and depend on His favor to grant me what i need.
It's once again i know what it's to be humble and depend on Him. To know grace once again and giving thanks.

I just said on Saturday that we won't meet grace on smooth path
Indeed the whole point is not about our glory. But God's glory, even so much more when it's through our defeat (1 Sam 5 - 6).
May i have the courage to follow.

Thank God finally my leave is approved.
And an additional of 1/2 day ... bcs the 'hard work' of last week
On top of it, a 'beautiful' email to brighten my day
Haha...God is so good.
Thank you Lord...with a tired body and burdened soul ....
Anyone knows how to make body stronger?

I didn't expect would find a comfort through the birds, but it happened.
So yah...was reminded God hears even when the birds cry out for food. He gives them food in season. (Perhaps birds didn't look but they ask..and therefore it's given)...Hehe, anyway, God also knows when one fall to the ground. Such God the provider and the All-knowing.
What do i worry then? What am i afraid of?
Why is this fear within?
I said 'Jehovah Jireh" - God provides
He's the one provides for the birds
He knows when one fall to the ground
Surely he knows me, and provides for me
All this year
And not the rest of it?
O ye of little faith...
Thank you Lord for the birdies' singing
Why are you downcast o my soul?
Why are you unrest within me?
Put your hope in God
For i will yet praise him again
My God and my Savior.
Help me to believe Lord

Online version - Help me to believe - The birdies' song

Yesterday during lunch with few colleagues, we talked about the present day evil. Surely quoting from Bible that evil man will grow more evil. And in the last days, there will be more evil. It's quite a grey lunch to me. For what hope do we have? If evil becoming stronger? And good becoming less?
Taking the examples from cases happening around us, starting from office and to the world. Was a grey lunch to me...

Tonite as i was walking home. My thot went to the children in my class. I saw the seed i plant in them. And indeed i know what i'm doing. And i've been praying for great trees. How long does it take to plant a tree? 10 years? How much long does it take to plant man and woman of God? I believe as I plant in them God's Word every week, God will raise them as fruitful trees of the future. The men and women of God in future.

As much as i believe in evil times and growing opposition. I do believe in God and His saints that He preserves in all ages. The future surely belongs to God.

Activities has been many latelay. Juggling over one thing over another. Settling one thing followed by settling other things. And when i thought of comparing myself with others "less" than me. I thought i must have been tiring for doing all these things. Wake up in the morning to rush for one activity, a little rest and another activity, short dinner and another activity.

On my bed i remember my last conversation with my father.
F: "How are you?"
V: "Very tired."
F: "How do you feel?"
V: "Fulfilled."

My mind went back to those short conversation. And i remember again those feelings. Despite tiredness all over me. Yet i know in my heart that i can't choose a different path. For there i'm satisfied. And deep inside, i've a joy. That tired body means nothing.
Thank you dad.

I really thankful for a dear sister that dare to speak the difficult words to me. She took the initiative and time to tell me personally of the not so nice thing she heard about me.
I don't know how to express this. But certainly I'm very lucky. I've such sister, such friend, who risks many things for the sake of my goodness. For surely she can keep quiet, pretending not hearing anything, and left me on my own. Afterall, I'm one such stubborn fellow :p
Really thankful.

Was reading on Goldsmith account of their life in Karoland. I'm encouraged for the fact that they faced big mistake in their life: overworked. I could identify myself with them. There're so many things to do, and so little time. So they ended up in losing their health and burnt out. However, looking back, they could say that sometimes there's no 2nd chance. Either there or nothing. If we don't seize the oppurtunity, it's gone, and will not come again. So although it's wrong, but they know oppurtunity will not happen again.

The similar thing with me. I've only 1 life. And it's not long. It's simply not sufficient. In one short life, I can't let it slip. Life is precious.

Tonite was reading from John's gospel on Jesus' trial before Pilate and how he 'delivered' him to be flogged by the soldiers, and then they actually made crown of thorns and 'delivered' strikes at him. While mocking him as King. Later on Pilate himself made a mockery of him in fron of his people: "Behold the man!". He 'delivered' him again to the chiefs of his people.

There was tension of sharing responsibilities between Pilate and the chief priests. Both were deniying responsibility on this man Jesus. For Pilate sent him back to them to be judged by their law. But they refused to take matters into their own hands, rather they asked Pilate's permission to carry out the death sentence.
Pilate got away by public declaration of cleansing his hands. While the chief priests got away through Pilate's approval and provoked the crowd to demand Jesus' death.

Was more like office's situation to me. One person refused responsibility and passed to the other person, the other person also did the same and passed the responsibility to another person. At the end some low rank people who had to do the task. And bear the responsibilities. It's interesting to note how this mentality carried Jesus' trial and death sentence.

For the chief Priests asked Judas to betray Jesus...and Judas 'delivered' Jesus into their hands. Again they asked Pilate to 'delivered' the death sentence. And Pilate gave his permission. Again they asked the crowd to demand crucifixtion sentence. And the crowd did for them. So they got all they wanted. And Jesus being 'delivered' by Judas, to Pilate, to the cross, and finally to death.

But Peter made this powerful statement in his first speech:

Acts 2 : 23
this Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men.

It's definitely a very successful plan of man. They managed to crucified and killed Jesus by the hands of lawless men (Judas and Pilate, some soldiers maybe). However, behind the scene, it's God's plan and foreknowledge.
And the next sentence made my tears drop:

Acts 2 : 24
God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it

It's not possible for death to held him .

How powerful, magnificent, awesome that words.
For they delivered him through hands of lawless men, finally to death. And yet, even death was not able to hold him. No. Even death could not contain him. He's risen. The language suggest like death a giant moster with long nails and strong pangs.....even that didn't strong enough to make him stay.
The power, the victory, the overcoming over death. )