clay

Good God, he showed me slowly what's wrong. When i could see clearer....i could only agree that's indeed wrong. In one of CS Lewis story...how this boy turned into dragon....and with his own effort he couldn't get rid of his dragon scale....he's terrified at his own sight. Till Aslan came and peel him off. For only Aslan's claws could do that work. So again i'm faced with the ugliness in me. There's the old self that needs to die, but it's hidden well underneath. It's hard lesson....searching question......and i came back where i began. The love of God, in Christ Jesus. For there i truly found my trueself, and forgiveness.

clay

The day finally came

I asked her 2nd time....and this time the answer is 'Yes'

A companion in pilgrimage.

Thank God for His grace.

Thank FP for wonderful ideas & helps & supports as well.

Thank all who supported me in prayers.

Thank u my dear for memorable nite.

clay

The last few days, i've been haunted by fears. I've not known this kind feeling. Like fears that continue for few days....and won't go away......

Feeling helpless.....the present seems so real....things slipping away.....and time is not enough. Simply i can't see how i can go through this time. Am i being too hard on myself? Putting unrealistic expectations?.....Lord....show me the way out.

clay

When the going getting tough, i'm thankful for the lesson of endurance

It's a good reminder, for otherwise i won't learn this important lesson.

It's quite unthinkable to learn about endurance in peaceful life

Thank u dear for ur loving words

Also learning to be realistic, knowing the limit of my human body.

clay

This evening enjoying a wonderful break...that's exploring my neighbourhood area

And this time, exploring a familiar road beside a kindergarten that often i just bypassed. However, it has marvelous views. For somehow, on the right side kinda like a forest........and on the left side....talling up high...beautiful houses. More like dream castles in my childhood stories. For a moment, my mind went through the times i dreamed to have that kind of houses. 3,4,5 storeys high, have a castle look, those european styles...And wondering how the inside look like.... Somewhat a bad jealousy came to my mind.

And another thought came to my mind...why did Jesus chose to be born in place like manger? Born in a carpenter family? He could have chosen better place, better family, better timing. Yet, he chose all those. Deep and profound. And he clearly speak of his requirement to a man who wants to join his team, that he doesnt have proper place to even lay his head. Another rich young man could leave behind all his riches to follow him. Apparently, wealth hindered him.

I'm not saying that being poor is the requirement to follow him. Or that poor people more spiritual or better than rich people. However, i think he chose that low place and low status, so that he can fully be identified with the lowest. He came to be fully identified with mankind. And he did it all the way, to the lowest place and environment. That all from the lowest might be represented and know the fullest of His love.

And in my opinion, perhaps that's a reason why Paul considers all things to be rubbish, so that he may know him. For he wants to know this man who forsook all things, consider the heaven's throne second and even equality with God not something to be grasped. That Paul willing to forsook all things, that he may know this man. That wonderful desire. Am i that willing? To know this man? In his denying of his rights. It is necessary then i think, the willingness to be identified with him. For unless first we can identify ourselves with someone, we could never know that person fully. It's like we would never know the pain of falling if we never experienced a fall.

And i think a remarkable man of old that came to my mind, is Job. Wonderful man. Whose heart not tied to the wealth. He's a very rich man, yet he could let all those things go that easily. He didn't put his trust and security in his riches. He valued them as zero. O what a remarkable model for us.

clay

Last week, I came across this interesting section, about a man name: Jehoram

Record of him is quite short, but staggering:

And he departed with no one's regret. (2 Chr 21:20).

The end of his life left such powerful remark. That no one wants to end that way. And i did a search of his life. Few things were described about him. The greatest mistake in his life apparently that he forsook God. And from that moment onwards, things just went wrong in his life. Two countries under his rule revolted, and so under his reign, he brought down the whole country (economically, politically, and socially). Furthermore, 2 other nations invaded his kingdom, and inflicted such shameful and painful loss in terms of military, possession, and dignity.

And they came up against Judah and invaded it and carried away all the possessions they found that belonged to the king’s house, and also his sons and his wives, so that no son was left to him except Jehoahaz, his youngest son. (2 Chr 21 : 17).

And at the end, he himself contracted a very disgusting and terrible disease. And i believed he died in pain.

One comment stood out as I read his life account. For in contrast with other kings' account, none was mentioned about their private life. But for Jehoram, it's recorded as:

And he walked in the way of the kings of Israel, as the house of Ahab had done, for the daughter of Ahab was his wife. (2 Chr 21:6)

A simple conclusion, yet i think a valid one, that whom we marry, will determine our future. And not only our future, but probably, how we die or end our life also. Apparently, as result of marrying daughter of Ahab, Jehoram forsook God, and brought downfall to his kingdom and many people and lives. And no small wonder, that he departed with no one's regret. Someone who brought so much disgrace and misery such that no good for him in life. And no one regretted for his departure.

Be wise and careful then, whom you choose to marry. For either that person will build you up, or ruin ur life, together with lives of many others.

A very interesting passage to complement however is this:

Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD. (Proverbs 19:14)

I indebted this to one my teachers, Dr Danny

It's really a wonderful retreat, a unique experience, as well as oppurtunity to explore things otherwise i will never try out.

In the afternoon, we're given enough time to meditate on Luke 15, and look upon copy of Rembrandt painting...Parable of Prodigal Son. It's a well known story, that I've heard over and over again, probably could tell it out of head. However, i gave it a try, to read again afresh. And really amazed on how much things I didn't see earlier. Besides thanks to my schoolmate, who earlier pointed me out to so much rich treasure lied there. Here the reflection based on the 3 main character in the story:

1. The undeserved younger son.

    I encountered it afresh. It must have shocked Jesus' audience that time. For it was told that this younger son one day came to see his father. THEN, he asked for his share!!! How DARE this boy asked such thing?!! Then when the father agreed, the next thing even more staggering. He left the house!!! Oh....his sins were so grieveous and ill that one could not wish any good for him. Except for him to go to HELL and perish. I could hear the hearers hissed....get lost with this man. He has treated his father with such manner, and he deserved Heaven's worst punishment.

    Then when the story continued, this man became poor and needy. Oh, i think, how glad the hearers must have rejoiced in their hearts. And when he fought with the pigs for food....oh how just God must be. He got what he deserved. Let him die soon. He DESERVED that.

2. The pitiful older son

     I saw a picture of very sad reality. I understood the painting wrongly (identified someone who's not as the older brother). However, here my interpretation of the story and the painting. The older son look with disbelief face, when the father accepted his brother. For how can he believed what he see, when the father embraced the rightly condemned brother. Oh how can this man who sin so greatly, yet been forgiven? Let him be cursed!! Cursed is he!! He deserved worst kind treatment. He supposed to be treated as ANIMAL. And his hands pressed hard on his chest. For he says "I could not accept this." And his face was angry too...with kind disbelief and astonishment..."I could not accept this. This is a MISMATCH. It is just NOT FAIR.

    Is it then how i react when other people accepted into God's family? Is it how i response in my heart when others come to know the Lord? Do i also see with such jealousy? Or prejudice in my heart, saying "what right do this wretched has?"

3. The scandalous father

       Here i think the most significant and best character in the story. For there the Bible puts clearly what God's heart look like. For since the day the younger son left the house, the father always standing, watching, waiting, for the day he will see his son coming home. He didn't cast out hope that one day his son will come back. No. He stood, waited, and watched .......... Till the day finally came. And when he saw his son from far........he recognize, it was his son. He could identified...it was his son, though probably others can't recognize him anymore.....evenso from afar. Then this father ran towards him, kissed him, embraced him.

     The painting puts it very well. For the hands that embraced that WRETCHED son speak of volumes. The hands at his back speaks of COMFORT and assurance. It comforts him...that it's well. All is well!! And it assures him also, saying "You are forgiven!! YES, you are forgiven!! No matter how wrong, and how bad your offenses are. They all PARDONed!! What a scandalous loving father. No small wonder the older son could not understand him. For this action was totally unreasonable and unbecoming. That this offensive son was treated that manner.

    Oh, but look at that wretched son. His head rested on his beloved father's bosom. It rested there, secure and comforted. He felt his father understood. For truly his father understood. And he cried "What a father that i have. What a father." "What a grace." "This is so overwhelming." It is. But exactly so, because it's grace. Grace is overwhelming. And i believe, that son, would be a total new person. He is a changed man, a totally new being. For he was blind but now sees. Was lost, but now found. I believe, that son would never depart from his father's house again. Forever he will stick by his father's side. For he knows how much his father loves him.

    Oh...such is the heart of God. Always longing, always beating, always waiting for the lost to return and be saved. That none should perish. Be it the potter's heart in Jeremiah 18 who longs for the people to repent and reshaped back instead facing destruction. Or the father's heart who desiring his son to come home. We see clear enough. To some, he's a scandalous father. Totally unbecoming. Totally absurd and totally no sense of justice. However i'm glad for the fact God is portrayed as such. How i love that father. And the song Amazing Grace speaks appropriately. How amazing, how sweet the sound that saved a wretched like me. Was blind but now I see.