clay

Tomorrow will be third week my stay here, and will be 2.5 months since mum's first stroke attack. Thank God for the many things have happened in between. There are many things still to be done, but there are also many things settled. I still remember that 2 days ago I could record 12 items to give thanks to the Lord.

Even in midst of difficult situations, and times when I asked the question: "Why?", He won't let me down. Thankfully that this few days I could have more time on my own, as many things settled and I get more used to the routines.

For those who know me... it's been 3 weeks i'm in sby. And life has been very hectice for the last 3 weeks. Hoping that now I could have more time for myself, to think through certain difficult issue, as well as finding back my rhtym of walking with the Lord. So that when I'm back to sg again next year, I could enter it with a refreshed and renewed spirit, instead of tired and downcasted soul.

clay

The last few days have been encouraging for me.

For despite the difficult situation and circumtances around, finally i could regain what seemingly my lost in first place. That's my initial simple childlike faith and fervent zealous straight-forward passion and love for Jesus. There are many of my former self which eroded simply by the many hardships came along lately. And took several days to resolve back to the simple passionate young man i'm used to be.

And began to thank God for all the precious gifts around the dark situation. For wonderful auntie who's looking after mum. For wonderful friends who help in any ways they can for the recovery of mum. And for the many prayers answered that each day and especially yesterday there's great progress to mum's recovery. For finally she could move her thumb... Praise God.

To the simple questioned asked on me the nite before..."Do you believe God can heal your mum?" With my whole heart, Yes, i do believe that. And more than all these things, i was reminded of the beauty and necessity of 'process'. That through all the steps and progress and times and days....God is forming in me a new attitude and awareness of His work, power, character. And that's wonderful. He's no longer God whom i know with my limited knowledge few months ago...but the one who increasingly opening my horizon and understanding of Himself. Giving me surprises and yet gently caring me through the process.

As what Paul echoes in one his letters, the more i'm glad in weaknesses, for when i'm weak, then i'm strong. Surely His power is made perfect in weaknesses. And His grace is sufficient.

Often we want a quick answer and instant relief. However, it's been months for those things. And things remain dark and gloomy if not uncertain. However, with new assurance and understanding of who He is, and His whole character and purpose.....I'm strengthened to face the unknown future. To him who holds tomorrow, we can place our hands. He is both trustworthy, and able.

clay

Just thought to write this after few incidents and thoughts for these last few days. It's quite easy for anyone to say it, however we all know that it's not easy for those who's going through it. Sometimes i need to be more bold and assertive in voicing out that indeed i had experienced those times, and i said what i've tasted...not merely an empty knowledge.

Having been experiencing some 'No'es in life...sometimes i can look back and give thanks to God. However another times, i cannot think of any good reason for the 'NO'es. Yet i still trust that in right time, it will be clear to me, indeed it's alright.

As one thing keep lingering in my mind....did mum really believe she will get well again? Or is she only putting a bold front? And what if her condition will remain like this? Again as i ponder upon the possibility if God should answer with 'NO'. Once i trusted it to the Lord, that he opened another possibility. For there's so much things to be learned in the process. There indeed so much valuable lesson we could pick up, if we're not so consumed with our own desire to get things done. And i know there're areas of life, where God is working to form her and also me and the entire family.

Instead of complying to simply answering us with a 'YES'...often we marvel at his later works done in us. And this i know it well...how he tested and purified my own heart. For inside it's a deceptive heart with all its hideous ways and motives. Only Him can reveal to us our true condition and inner self. And in that process, often involves many 'NO'es.

The answer then, it's not getting what we ask. But more on being fixed. That our hearts is right is far more important and of eternal value. So i long still, for the revealing of ourselves before Him. So we could really be transformed. Areas of life needed to be surrendered. And to let God be God.

I still believe He can be trusted. He will provide. His timing and ways are perfect. And He loves me.

clay

It's not an easy thing for me (naturally) to give thanks on any of the hard days.

It's been a long day from 5.30 am this morning, with meal only abt 1 pm.

Yet, was reminded yesterday , to give thanks ... to be grateful

And there're many things I could be grateful for:

1. Last nite had a wonderful praying and singing time with my dear lil' lady . It's wonderful. Haven't done so for quite some times. And last nite my heart just burst out with songs n thanksgivings to the Lord. For indeed, He's marvelous and wonderful. In this chaotic and confusing world, He's a sure anchor and solid rock.

2. The move back to our home for mum, including the new care-giver (replacing the previous very expensive care-giver). With the move back, there're more new things we can look forward to. And hope will bring good to mum's recovery as well.

3. This morning as I brought her to physiotherapy in RKZ hospital, really thank God for ai CH that drove us there and continued to be there for moral support with her funny remarks. And later i knew she had genuine concern and care for mum. Thank God for such friend. And tomorrow hopefully we all can join the Christmas service. Furthermore, as answer to my prayer, the person who did the phsio was good as well. We spent 2 hours there instead the usual 1 hour therapy. The Lord really look after all these well for sure.

4. This afternoon meeting was proven to bring some consolation to our family also. As unexpectedly i received last minute call (myteriously prompted to make the first phone call yesterday), which later brought in some amount of money. Unexpected...and kind consolation as Christmas surprise.

There are still plenty things concern me. And long list of prayer needs to be raised up to the Lord. Not little questions I have...and wondering whether I have enough strength to persevere in this walk. Only keep me Lord Jesus. Align me always with You.

clay

Hehe...the loneliest new year i ever felt. It's really bad the feeling. I thought for once i understood the meaning of companionship. I pray 2009 would be clearer and brighter. And i believe tonite as i would count my blessings this year, certainly i would see God's graces all around still.

Few more hours Praise God for the amazing year He's given me more than i asked. And through all the pains and questions, He's still faithfull . Feeling impatient to enter 2009